Help Me
by SadWritter
Summary: This is the story of Harry's tumbling depression after Sirius's death. Don't really know where it will go from there. This story may contain CUTTING, EATING DISORDERS, AND OTHER TYPES OF SELF HARM! No flames please
1. Dead

**I do not own anything but my own words. This story may contain CUTTING, EATING DISORDERS, AND OTHER TYPES OF SELF HARM! Any and all flames will be poked and prodded for marshmellows. I do not mean to offend anyone in the writting of this story. R & R if you want to. **

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Help Me chapter 1

Dead. He's dead. I killed him. Everyone gets hurt and dies around me. Sirius Cedric, my mom and dad. Remus only just got his husband back, he must hate me now. Hermione, Ron, Ginny, Neville, and Luna all risked their lives for my murdering life. And now I have one more murder to commit. At least I can't die until I kill Voldie. Great right? Wrong. Now I want to die. End the pain and see all the ones I killed, without them trying to kill me themselves. What am I talking about they deserve to kill me or at least torture me in the next life

"Knock, knock," came the annoying voice of that bastard Dumbledore. How dare he keep something as important as that prophose from me? So I kept turned away from him and pulled the covers tighter above my head. "I know you must be a bit upset at me," yeah, sure, 'a bit upset', "but I brought food. You must be hungry by now." On the contrary, my stomach lurched rather unpleasantly at the idea of eating anything. What right did I have to eat when those murdered because of me couldn't? I clenched my covers tighter and shock my head, groaning in pain.

"I understand if you don't want to talk to me, my boy, but we will have to talk sooner or later. How about once Madame Promphy lets you out, you join me in my office for another chat." I cringed again under the covers. Another chance for Dumbledore to talk to me about my destiny and to telling me to forget about Sirius while probing my head for information. I wasn't stupid. The lesions with Snape taught me to at least deduce when someone's entering my head. I just couldn't stop it yet.

Dumbledore sighed again before standing up and walking away. "Don't forget to eat your lunch," he said before closing the door behind him.

Once Dumbledore was out of the room, the sicking smell of the pizza he brought for me reached my nose. It made me want to throw up. I pulled up a quick bubblehead to breath easier and then banished it to that dumb curtain. Last summer I learned that Sirius loved pizza.

More memories. More pain. No sure end. Now I just want to kill Voldemort just so I could die myself. I wouldn't let anymore die because of me. I would have to just endure this torture until that old bastard was dead.

I just cried myself to sleep.

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**Don't expect much continuous uploading, I am never good with that. But with encuragement I will try. Let me know what you think. **


	2. Not cutting

**How about that. I updated. Well I have had a bad day and it made me think of this. Don't ask. Flames will be laughed at and used to teach how to be careful with fire with a 3 year old (brother). **

**WARNING: CUTTING. If you don't like, don't read. **

**Disclamer: I don't own any of this. **

Summer. Suppose to be the time of fun in the sun, rest, and relaxation. Never has that been for me but this summer is especially worse.

Not only has Sirius been dead not even a full month, but Vernon got worse than usual. He's been this bad before, but not in a long time. Every morning I get up at 6:30 to make a 4 course breakfast for the fat pig. He comes down, finds something wrong with me; withier imaginary or not, and then leads me out to the backyard while dawn is just breaking, to beat me with his belt or his fist while my hands are against the house, being forced to count the lashes.

Usually it's his belt because it's easier to hide blood on the back of a belt then blood and bruising on a fist. Then, after about 50 or 75 lashes he hands me a list of chores to do that day by the time he gets home. No food is to be served until I finish the list. To this day I haven't finished one day's list.

When Vernon gets home I am usually still working outside and he gets mad. Then he drags me down to the cellar for another 50 -100 lashes depending on how bad his day was and how many chores I didn't do. He then throws me back outside to try some more chores.

Around 10:30 he drags me back in before the cops do their daily drive by at 10:45. I go upstairs to not sleep and not touch the food sends me every week. That's how my summer has been so far.

Today however, I am going through my trunk. ' homework, homework. Where is my damned homework,' I thought while searching under my clothes and quills.

Suddenly I caught sight of the mirror. 'THE MIRROR! Damn it.' The stupidity of it all. I risked everything and lost everything I could because I didn't take 3 seconds to think about the simplest solution. I grabbed on to the mirror and held it while I just cried in the corner of my room.

"Sirius. Sirius," I whispered after a few minutes. I looked into the mirror again and caught sight of an eye I thought I was never to see again.

"Sirius!" I screamed my heart in my throat. 'Does this mean…' "SIRIUS!" I doubled my efforts. "No no no, Sirius, Sirius, please Sirius. Please answer me. SIRIUS!"

Nothing. As quickly as it was there it was gone. "No," I whispered. I broke down again and threw the mirror towards the window where it shattered at the corner. My eyes widened quickly in regret as I scrambled to fix the pieces. 'Never mind,' I thought in despair. 'This is too broken even for reparo.'

I picked up one of the larger pieces of my broken treasure and held it in my hand. I ran my thumb across the edge. An inch of the years of pain I had started drifted away as I held my thumb on the blade-like surface. Out of curiosity I moved the blade to the middle of my forearm and pressed in without breaking skin. An initial feeling of something sharp followed by a deep release for a few minutes. It wasn't cutting. No blood came from this, it wasn't hurting my body any. In all actuality it separated me from my pain better than anything else had all month. I was finally able to breathe.

That was the first night I slept for more than 45 minutes.

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**What did you think? Review if you liked. Also review if you want me to get a beta and have a person on your mind. Don't review just to tell me to get a beta if you don't have someone in mind. miss-harry-potter-weasley i don't blame you, just answer if you want the job. **

**Random Question for 10 points (name you house or I pick it for you):**

**1. Who was Sirius's favorate uncle who died?**


	3. Playing with nonfire

**Hello everyone. I am really inspired for this story and it has taken off. I've got a really good chapter began next and I would also like to thank my new beta, miss-harry-potter-weasley. The initial connection is what paused this chapter but now it is up and running and I've nearly finished my next chapter which is over 1000 words (unlike this one which is not even 500). So give some thanks to her too for deciding to help me continue this writing. **

**I'd also like to thank leine312 and GeorgieGirl999 for their reviews.**

**Disclaimer: Do you really think J. would do this short a chapter? Of course I don't own the masterpiece that inspired this fic. **Hm ch 3

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_Dear Harry,_

_Hope the muggles are treating you well, we've been staying at the old hideout. _**Yes, I'm sure Dumbledore is taking every asset he has even if it's at the feet of a dead man.**_ Dumbledore said it 'wasn't safe' at home with You-Know-Who out in the open and all. _**He still can't even say Voldemort. Really now, I thought they've all gotten over that. **_Now he's not hiding Dumbledore is expecting him to openly strike. Have you seen the _Prophet _though? _**No, Dumbles expects Voldie to look me up thought the newspaper so I am forbidden to get any news. **_Fudge has been sacked and Umbridge has been found for her crimes against the students during her time at Hogwarts and has been given 3 life sentences in Azkaban. _**Well, I know no one questioned me about it so they didn't think to check how many students were abused by her. **_So it looks like we don't have to worry about her anymore. I hope you don't dwell much on Sirius, there was nothing you could do. _**Yes there was. I could have checked the damn mirror. I could have questioned Kreacher more. I could have done something besides sitting back and watching Sirius die.**

_Be safe, _**by sitting in one spot for 3 months.**

_Ron_

Gods, I really hate Ron right about now. He acts like I am crying for a month because I lost a mock quidditch match. No, don't worry Ron. I haven't lost the closest thing to a family because of some stupid mistake of mine. No, I'll be fine. Just encourage me more to forget about Sirius and I won't get pissed off at you again. Yeah, we'll see how well that works out.

I needed a release so I grabbed the old mirror piece and pressed it hard into my skin over my forearm. It didn't break skin again but it relieved my agony. After a few seconds I crunched up the letter and threw it by my desk to write back sometime much later when I could at least pretend to not be too annoyed. Then I went back to reading my Transfiguration book for my homework whilst absently playing with the mirror shard in my hand.

After a good 45 minutes of reading I decided I needed some sleep when I looked down and realized that I hadn't put down my mirror shard as I usually did when I had already gotten my release.

'Huh,' I thought to myself. 'I didn't notice that…' My thoughts drifted off as Uncle Vernon suddenly shifted in his sleep and grunted loudly, which reminded me I need to turn my light back out before I got caught doing my homework at night.

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**Since GeorgieGirl999 was the only one with the right answer (Alphard Black), currently there are 10 points to Slytherin (you forgot to state your house name).**

**25 point question to the houses...**

**What was the name of Umbridge's title before and after Harry's 5th year at Hogwarts and what was the name of her Degree's?**

**And for 5 extra points state what happened to her by the end of the year.**

**As always, state your house or I'll choose it for you...**


	4. Complications

**A/N: This is a longer one, which is why it took so long. GeorgieGirl999 is the only one that reviewed, which I thank her for. The rest of you are evil, mean people who need to review. If you don't review then I'll happen to be too busy in my school work (9 classes... or 11. Not sure yet) and I will not update. So review you evil, evil people. **

**I'd also like to thank my amazing beta, miss-harry-potter-weasley for betaing this chapter and giving me advice on euro money since I am of the country of America and have no knowldedge of that information. **

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Hm ch 4

"Aunt Petunia, you can't go to the Bahamas!" I yelled early one July morning. "What about the blood protection? No one in this house would be protected. Voldemort knows my address, only the wards are keeping him and all his followers back."

Aunt Petunia on the other hand wasn't having any of it. She was almost done packing for her trip with her friend Yvonne and wasn't going to live her life in fear of some silly… She almost hated to think the word but… Wizard. This 'Voldemort' person had no reason to want her family dead. And she already told Vernon that if he shows up to just hand Harry over and be done with it. No more freaks freaking up the house.

"Go complain to that silly order of yours then". "I am going on my trip and that's final."

With the suitcase packed Aunt Petunia snapped it shut and moved aside so Vernon could bring it downstairs to Yvonne's car. It was a last minute option. Yvonne was going to take her mother down but her mother had a light case of pneumonia and had to wait before going on any planes. So at the last minute, she had asked Petunia to go, as to not waste the ticket. Aunt Petunia was delighted however I was not.

"But-" I tried one last time before Vernon yelled at me to get to my room and if I was so worried, to ask the Order of the bloody Turkey about the blood wards; after all, he didn't want to meet this lord what's it thingy if he didn't have to.

I let out an angry breath of air before locking my jaw and twirling around to go and get the necessary pieces of parchment. Maybe I'd be able to leave a bit earlier since the wards wouldn't be there anyway.

But then again, no one was giving me pitying looks here. Vernon had loosened up a bit since Remus went to talk to him about me working in heat index of 35 degrees Celsius **(A/N: That's 95 degrees Fahrenheit)**. It might have also helped that Dumbledore increased the money to £1200. Sure, I was pissed when I found out that Vernon was abusing me and getting money for it, but I would deal with it when I figured out where the money was coming from. I knew it wasn't going to helping in raising me.

Maybe, now that Vernon was calmer and off the alcohol, it would be better here. I didn't want to take the chance that I would be put in Sirius's old house if I was taken from here. But then what would I do about the blood protection? 'Dudley!' I thought with a jolt. He's my blood cousin that should work.

_Dear Professor Dumbledore,_

_Aunt Petunia had a sudden opportunity to go to the Bahamas, which she took so that leaves me without her for the blood protection. I was wondering if it was still safe if Dudley was the blood relative not Aunt Petunia? _

_Thanks,_

_Harry Potter_

"Here Hedwig," I said tying the now rolled up parchment in her claws. To Professor Dumbledore, please wait for an answer."

Hedwig hooted as if to say, 'Can do,' before flying off into the hot sun.

'Now what to do?' I wondered. While having calmed down a bit from the argument with the Dursley's, I was still quite stressed. I needed some sort of release. I needed it almost every day now but it never broke skin, so no harm done, right? I was always afraid of the answer.

Purposely not thinking about the moralities of it, I reached into my Transfiguration book and pulled out the mirror shard, immediately pressing it to my skin.

"Ah," I breathed lightly. 'My relief.'

The next day things went like a usual Saturday. I got up and made breakfast, only this time for 2. Vernon got up to read the paper and Dudley to watch cartoons. I did chores until lunch when I made Uncle Vernon and Dudley lunches, and continued to do the chores. Luckily all of today's chores were indoors since Aunt Petunia left. It wasn't until about after dinner when the usual Saturday routine was broken.

Pop, pop! Went the unique sound of 2 wizard's apparating. Harry pulled his wand to the intruder so fast that if a spell was on the tip of their tongue, it would be blocked. Luckily, however, it was only Professor Dumbledore and Remus, causing Harry to take a step back, raise his wand, and ask the two of them questions only they would know the answer to.

"What was on the back of the sword I used to defeat the **Basilisk**?" I asked Professor Dumbledore.

"Godric Gryffindor," was the response from Professor Dumbledore.

I turned to Remus, "What was Padfoot's code name?"

"Sniffles," he answered sadly. My eyes fell to the floor feeling guilty that had I brought him up so soon. Remus must still hate me for killing his husband. Trying to ignore my need for release, I asked what they were doing here.

"We are coming to inform you about the new protections since your Aunt is gone," Dumbledore said, with a disappointing look in his eye. Was it because I brought up Sirius when Remus had also just lost him? Or was it because I couldn't stop Aunt Petunia from leaving, causing them to have to drop whatever they were doing to come babysit me.

"Oh…," I said trying to cover a bit of my self-loathing. "So what can we do then… about that?"

"Well, because Dudley only shares ¼ your blood instead of ½ and because he's underage, we'll have to force you to spend 23 hours in the same room a day." Catching my incredulous look, Professor Dumbledore continued.

"I'm sorry but that is the minimum we can allow. The extra hour is for you two to shower and the like. We also have to change the blood wards slightly and explain it to your uncle and cousin."

"Hope you have a lot of money," I muttered. I couldn't think of any other way Dudley and Uncle Vernon would accept this.

"What was that?" asked Remus.

"No- nothing," I responded quickly. "I have to do these dishes by hand right now; Uncle Vernon and Dudley are in the living room watching telly. You can just go tell them about the new measures. I'll join you," I did a quick look at the dishes to assess how long it would take; "I'll join you in half an hour if you're still explaining."

Remus looked up briefly with something akin to hurt in his eyes. Ok then, Remus really can't bear me; I'll extend the dishes as long as I can.

"Ok," said Professor Dumbledore with a sad glint in his eyes. Apparently he's disappointed in me too; more of a reason for me to make myself extremely scarce this evening.

Remus and Professor Dumbledore walked into the living room. I heard the yelp of Uncle Vernon and Dudley from the kitchen and then the sound of Professor Dumbledore's voice before I got back to washing the dishes. I extended into doing the pots and pans, washing the table, and making a cake. Unfortunately, it was a Betty Crocker cake mix so it only took 15 minutes dragged out before I had to wait for it to bake. After doing those dishes and still hearing Professor Dumbledore's voice in the living room, I decided to peek back to see what was taking so long.

Well, now I know what's taking them so long. Dudley looks like he's been sentenced to death and it looks like he's trying to get out of it. Professor Dumbledore looks calm as per usual and Remus looks annoyed. Dudley asked another question, probably for the 50th time and Remus just rolled his eyes, and looked over at the door where I was hiding behind.

"Harry," he said surprised, probably because he didn't have to listen to Dudley's whining anymore. "How long does it take to wash a few dishes? You were gone an hour. Come," he continued, "Sit."

I walked slowly over to the seat next to Remus all the while looking at Uncle Vernon. He was looking at me with a murderous look on his face as he knew; I very well knew when I was allowed to sit in the living room. That would be never. But what else was I suppose to do? Remus and Dumbledore will know something's up if I don't sit down. So I gave a half guilty look to Uncle Vernon quickly before walking over to the chair and sitting.

Remus also has a better mask on now. He actually looks happy to see me and to sit with me; his husband's murder. This of course makes me feel all the more guiltier and all the more pissed off. Why must people have all these masks? Professor Dumbledore has a mask for hiding his disappointment from me, Remus has a mask to hide his pain and anger from me, Uncle Vernon has a mask to make it seem like he treats me fine; hell, even Dudley has an angelic mask so he doesn't get blamed for beating up kids, Why must everyone have a damned mask?

Of course, if I was true to myself, I have a mask too. My 'good little boy' mask for when I am trying really damn hard to not get into trouble, be it with Uncle Vernon or with Professor Snape (and they both have the same success rate of .0001 percent chance of working). I have my 'normal kid' mask for when I'm not in danger of trouble of any kind and I really don't want to reminisce on my past.

I have my 'hero' mask for when I'm facing Voldemort or some other evil person. I never show the true me; a me of, honestly, an abused kid who can never be normal.

I know I'm a freak and I am not being fair to people by hiding that from them when they're trying to get to know me. But I can't live with my current friends hating me for lying to them. I need those masks because they're the only thing catching people off guard so one minute they think I'm easy pickings, and the next they're on the ground writhing in pain, due to an underestimation. Yes, I will admit that the masks have other uses that I am not willing to give up even though they have no safety reason, but safety is a big issue.

Also the wizarding world needs hope right now. How much hope will they get if they learn their hero was weak enough to be abused by a damn muggle? Nothing! So I keep my true self secret and let people think what they want of me. They would anyway so why make it hard for myself? But I will still silently rage against those others who keep their mask in place to conform to a known freak/murderer/slave.

**Because that's all I am and the masks just make it hurt more.**

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******Well, thank you once again GeorgieGirl999 for giving your answer but I am unfortunate to announce it is only half right. Umbridge was the Senior Under-Secretary to the Minister for Magic and she did get arrested, lost her job and carried off my centaurs. However Umbridge's title in Hogwarts was the High Inquisitor and the degree's were called Hogwarts High Inquisitor Educational Decrees, which was how Umbridge got power at Hogwarts. **

**So now...**

**Slytherin: 26 points**

**Gryffindor: 0**

**Ravenclaw: 0**

**Hufflepuff: 0**

**Hurry up everyone, Slytherin should not be in the led with one person answering. I'm calling on the rest of you to answer too (not that I don't want you, GeorgieGirl99 answering, keep it up. But it's no fun without competition.) So get it up it up.  
**

**Wow I'm stupid. I forgot a question. So... **

What is the name of ALL of Dumbledore's titles (for 30 points)?


	5. A Letter

******I don't even live in England. Want to visit sure but sure as hell don't live there. So there is no possible way that I own Harry Potter.**

**Hm ch 5**

I cannot believe how annoying it is to try to get school work done in the same room as Dudley. The only good news being that I can actually do school work during the day and not at the dead of night. This little adjustment is due to, surprisingly, one Severus Snape. Apparently, he was unfortunate enough to get babysitting duty for me one Wednesday, and was annoyed at being outside for so long without anything to eat or drink, because the Fletcher was supposed to relieve him and, well, never did. So, Professor Snape walked right up to the house, knocked on the door, and demanded to be let in for some tea. Uncle Vernon bypassed his usual policy of yelling at anyone wizard-like mostly because Snape scared the shit out of him. And then when Snape sat down for tea, that I made while in the middle of making a lunch of BLT and prepping for the dinner of a roast, Snape asked about my school work, mentioning how displeased he would be if I didn't do all the schoolwork I was supposed to. He was looking at Uncle Vernon at the time, making him feel threatened in such a way that has Uncle Vernon putting homework as my 10:30 chore. And since Dudley has a TV in the kitchen and likes to have dessert around that time, my homework is done on the table. However, at 10:30, the only interesting show to Dudley is the wrestling show, WWF, to which Dudley likes to cheer to. The cheering is what distracts me so much from my homework.

'Can't you please just quite down a bit,' I thought to myself. 'It is surprisingly difficult to write 150 ways to reasonably mess up the Draught of Living Death potion and then 50 things to do to fix it. It would help if I didn't have you yelling 'Go Undertaker' in my ear.' Of course, no matter how much things have changed, if I ever even began to say that to Dudley, I'd be good as dead.

Finally, after about an hour, I got 100 ways go ruin the Draught of Living Death. Half my paper. And Dudley's show was over so he decided it was time for bed. We walked upstairs and got dressed separately in the bathroom. Uncle Vernon knocked down the wall between the 2 rooms and split our 'side' of the room down so I had less room then previously, but I didn't mind much. For now, blue marking tape lined that difference, and Vernon bought a screen for after I leave. Both Dudley and I lay down in our respective beds, but only one destined for sleep. I would wait until Dudley was fast asleep, before crawling into the window space with my shard of glass. Then I would just sit there; thinking and pressing that shard of glass to my arm. Nowadays, I am pressing that damn piece of glass so hard into my skin, I can feel the bone under my arm, but it's always beneath my skin. Hell, the mark from my nightly ponderings usually lasts all throughout the next day; faint, but there. Some days I feel like I want to draw blood, but I can't figure out why it wasn't coming. I mean, I pressed it all the way down to the damn bone and nothing came from it. I suppose that is just my body's way of saying that I'm a coward and am just too afraid to draw blood. Great, now the Wizarding world has a coward hero. Won't they be pleased? I'm just a failure, too afraid to admit it to anyone else.

Around 3 in the morning, I saw an owl flying to my window. I perked up with surprise it wasn't an owl I recognized, so I had to wait to figure out who it was from. When the owl got there I opened the window lightly to let it in while I grabbed the letter. It was a bit heavier than normal parchment, even parchment the length Hermione used to write during her vacations. I opened the seal quietly and saw several galleons mixed in with a few pounds. I blinked in confusion before pulling up the letter and opening it up.

**Dear my lovely investor,**

**This is Fred. And this is George_. _And we just sold our millionth product over owl-order and thought we should celebrate. So we went out for a few drinks and dreamed up the idea of sending our fine investor the 33% percent due him. But, since our ingenious investor happens to be stuck in the muggle world for a few more months, we also converted 1/8 of that money into muggle money for you to have while on vacation. No we don't want a refund. Nor a thank you. But we do want you to have fun on your vacation. On other news, our actual shop will be open for business the day of our silent investor's birthday. We heard from a quite reliable source (Old McGoo) that the letters are to be mailed a day earlier this year for some random reason or another. Half of Hogwarts will be there for the Grand opening, even if they don't want to. The rest of the 1/3 will be sent directly to your vault since you most likely don't want to be holding on to that much at all times. It would fill your entire trunk. **

**Au revoir and Sayonara,**

**Fred and George **

I laughed silently to myself. 'Those two,' I thought. I made my way over to the bed to count how much Fred and George sent over. After tallying the amount, I nearly fell over. The gallons alone came to about £1000 and the muggle money was £250. I opted to save the gallons and put it in the tip jar come time I see the store for myself. The muggle money might be useful if Uncle Vernon wants to take Dudley somewhere, since they now have to bring me too. I'll keep that money in my pocket so I'm always ready.

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******I'm a kind of sorry and kind of not sorry. I got a whole lot of favorite author and story alerts, but not so many reviews. I also was very busy with 8 classes. One class is done now, its winter break, and I finally figured out how I was going to solve a problem I was having with the story so I decided to write. I did warn you guys, I am not the most reliable author. I did not do what I've been wanting to do for a long time in this chapter, so I'm hoping to get the next chapter up soon so the part I really want to do is there. **

******Now, before I give you the question, I wanted to remind you all of the point values. When I originally posted up the last chapter I forgot a question so the only 2 people planning on answering it couldn't and they didn't check back later, when I did post the question. So…**

******Slytherin: 26 points**

******Gryffindor: 0**

******Ravenclaw: 0**

******Hufflepuff: 0**

******Due to the circumstances, I will give you all an easy question.**

**__****Who is Snape's one true love? (For 25 points).**

******Anyone who answers will also get a virtual cookie. Anyone who doesn't answer joins the flames on the fire to roast my marshmallows. **

******PS Double points to whoever answers the last question, What is the name of ALL of Dumbledore's titles and names (now for 60 points).**

**PPS. Everyone give a big round of reviews to my beta who makes sure I don't look idiotic in posting this. Also remind her she is also allowed to participate in the questions. **

**TBC, Rose Black  
**


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